Remembering a loved one: Memories I won’t forget any time soon (plus planning your own memories)
Some of you may know that my 19 year old son died a few years ago! That was a shock of all shocks and though I will never get over what happened, I am doing okay I think, most of the time. Thanks for asking BTW. The memories never go. Here’s my story and how I plan what memories to have.
You know, sometimes it takes some slight little thing like a passing glance, a certain smell or a voice, to remind you of your loved one and their death! If you haven’t experienced it yet, you most likely will. Most people will have at least one close family member die in their life time. Do you have a loved one who died and some things that keep reminding you of the person? For me, there are just some things that keep reminding me! For some of them, I have to just smile.
I have a little friend called Che and when my son died, I sat in church a few weeks later and I was quite sad. In fact, I was sobbing gently but didn’t think anyone had noticed. Che came over and said, “Auntie are you okay?” I replied with an unconvincing “yes”. She sat up straight, looked me in the face with a pitying look and said: “I don’t know who shot your son, and now he’s just left in the mud!” This made me smile and I hugged her for a bit. In her own mind (she was about three years old), people only die if they are shot! And also, she had been at the burial ground on that rainy day when he was laid to rest. So every time I see Che, I remember.
Lots of flowers were delivered to my home after my son died. I really appreciated the kind gestures and lovely cards with good wishes. But oh those flowers have a certain smell that I can’t erase! I call it the death smell! They were all beautiful and the bouquets were well designed by talented hands. It’s just the smell… And whenever I pass by the florists, or even now when I smell certain flowers, I’m reminded of that tragedy of losing my son.
The smell of an Italian kitchen reminds me of my son too! No, he was not Italian but he made my house smell like a pizzeria or Italian restaurant almost every night. He loved cooking and experimenting with a combination of pasta, meats, herbs and tomato sauce. So guess what’s on my mind every time I smell those?
There’s a certain young man who passes by my house sometimes and makes my heart skip a beat! Not that kind of skip-a-beat! He’s about the same height as my son, same gait, and he usually walks alone. Sometimes I’m tempted to go out there and strike up a conversation about how he reminds me of my son, how I hope he’s polite and decent and respectful to his mom and others as my son was and … Then I restrain myself, that wouldn’t be appropriate, would it? Don’t want to upset that poor unsuspecting young man! He seems pretty decent, so I’ll leave him alone.
I have certain scars that remind me of my son. You can read the blog post I made about that here. If you don’t want to go read the whole post there, I’ll give you a gist here. My son loved fritters. These are a Jamaican fried treat usually made with a batter made from flour, salted fish, herbs and spices. He would love it as a Sunday morning breakfast as there’s usually more time to make it. So one morning while making them, the oil spat at me and I got burnt in several places including my face and arms. I was mad for a minute and told him that I would never ever make fritters again in my life! He looked at me and said something to the effect that if I were in an accident and broke a leg, wouldn’t I walk again after it was healed! Clever boy! But every time I make fritters again, I remember him and now know that I should cherish every scar I have.
Some jokes on social media remind me of him too. If he saw a good one, he’d email it to me and I would do the same. I used to love seeing his big wide grin and shaking shoulders when he was in a fit of laughter. There was this one where a little girl in Jamaica was asked for directions to her home. You can watch it here. But you really have to know patois (the local dialect) to understand it. If you’re not Jamaican and you get this joke, you’re great! It was one of my son’s favourites.
Life (and even a death) leaves us with memories of our loved ones. Some of the memories are pleasant and leave us with a smile. Some leave that dull achy feeling. I think it depends on where in your journey of grief and healing you are. Cherish the memories. The major thing I’ve learnt is that I now know how to empathise when someone has lost a loved one. When I comfort someone and say “I know what you’re going through”, I really do. At one time, I didn’t have a clue what that felt like.
Here are some intentional things I have done to remember my son and you can do the same or similar things:
Pray
Have a look at his photos through the years
Light a candle and sit in reflection
Plant a rose bush and take care of it
Go out for a meal to one of his favourite places to eat
Write write write (the inspiration will come)
Sponsor another child with school supplies or other needs
Look at his social media profiles online (those will be there forever)
Have a memorial service (even only small and intimate)
Reflect on his life and have a cry (I always feel better)
Whatever stage you are at in your grief, you can make some of the memories you will experience purposeful and intentional, you decide what you want to do to remember your loved one. Don’t worry about the other memories, they will come but you will deal with them. And most of all, you will be able to empathise and help someone else.
I even know and share ideas about how to plan a funeral now! And also how to make it cheaper. I wouldn’t have known these unless I had my own experience of burying my son.
I have purposed to enjoy life more and to focus on happiness as you never know when it can just be snatched away. This happiness will see me helping others and feeling better about things.
Don’t forget to sign up for the newsletter (use the box below) on Sundays to see what we get up to now and how we are now purposeful and intentional with life.
This article shook my inside. Omg. Admiration of your strength.
Thanks Natalee. Things like this will happen in life… and most of us will be affected in our lifetime! Let’s be prepared.
xoxo
I have purposely put off reading this post, not because I don’t care but because it would remind me of someone in my life who has died. The tears are always there, ready to fall. Take care and hugs to ya
Diona recently posted…Better Than Chipotle’s Burrito Bowl, Because My Husband Said So
I know, I don’t think it was a particularly sad post though. I wanted to inspire people to be in control of some of the memories and what to do about them. Love and big hugs
I am so sorry for your loss and I admire the strength that it must have taken to write this post. Thank you for sharing this as I know that it will help many other people who have been through the same tragedy x
Thanks Kirsty-rose. I hope you have a splendid day! Thanks for stopping by the blog.
xoxo
I am so sorry to read about such a heartbreaking loss. As a new mother, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain. I admire you for your strength and ability to go on. I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 18. I am 34 now and the pain has not gone away, I feel I will never get over it – it just gets easier to deal with the loss. I wrote a post about loss when two friends of mine passed away shortly after one another ( you can read it here: http://www.abusybeeslife.com/the-things-i-should-have-said/).
I think I am inspired to do the 7 day lemon challenge with you. It sounds like something that would encourage me and motivate me. I love the message you are sending here about being in control of memories. So glad I read this post today!
Oh yes we do just get used to living with the pain! Most days I am fine, but then sometimes it’s just one little memory that sparks a flood of tears. I think I read your post about the things I should have said. The lemon challenge was fun! It was definitely a challenge and will be done again soon so sign up!
Thanks for stopping by and all the very best to you.
xoxo
Sending {{hugs}} and tears of empathy. My older son just turned 19 and I cannot even imagine how I would deal with that sort of loss. This post is so powerful, thank you for finding the courage to share!
Julie @ Filling the Jars recently posted…5 Quotes to Inspire a Fresh Start for Autumn
Oh thanks for visiting Julie. My son was 19 when he died. My story isn’t even a quarter said yet! May do a book one day with all the writings I’ve done and tucked on the emotional days. It’s a phase of life that is absolutely horrible, and that is difficult to deal with. Of course, with time, it never goes, but it gets easier. Cherish every moment I say. Thanks again for stopping by. God bless.
xoxo
This touched my heart as many of your posts do. I’m so so sorry about your loss and think you are very brave to share about it in this post. Your words and stories will help and inspire others. Sending blessings and hugs your way!
I was so so emotional reading through this. My goodness how strong, how brave and what an inspiration you girls are. May God continue to give you the strength to encourage others. xxx
God is good all the time. Thanks for stopping by.
So sorry for your loss. This was such a heart-touching and sincere post it gets one thinking and thus reevaluates everything. I admire your courage, though I’m sure it was a long road to get where you are now, but you inspire others and you make them feel better and not alone. Thank you for sharing you and your memories with us, the world out there!
Thanks so much for your kind words.
I’m so sorry for your loss and be comforted knowing that earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal. I lost my mum at a young age and all I do is keep her and all the memories made close knowing it’ll be okay by and by. #hugs.
Thanks Victoria. I take comfort in the fact that one day all will be revealed and death will have no more power over us. Hugs
This article really hit home. I’m so sorry for your loss. But I love the fact that you asked if there were things that reminded us of loved ones, like certain smells, etc. I lost my grandma a few years ago, and one thing that always reminds me of her is seeing new born with handmaid blankets because that is what she used to do; she used to make blankets for all of the newborns in her church and her work and it just makes me remember how sweet she was.
Writing about how to mange grief is bit difficult..love your point hoe to remrmber who are just resting in heaven…you are a strong woman, who just share everything by a open heart.
Writing about how to mange grief is bit difficult..love your point how to remember who are just resting in heaven…you are a strong woman, who just share everything by open heart.
Losing a loved one is difficult and I can only imagine the pain of losing a child. I’m sorry for your loss and you’re right certain things will always remind us of our loved ones but hopefully with time, those memories bring smiles instead of tears
I have experienced the loss of my father. Its interesting what you say about the flowers. I didn’t mind the flowers smell but I resented them. I resented that they were in my house. I wanted there to be no reason for there being so many flowers and cards in my house. It really hurt after a while. I had a good relationship with my father so most things that make me think of him make me smile. I miss him very much. I wonder if one day you will talk with the young man that reminds you of your son. It may be an interesting experience for you. It may remind you of your son or totally be different. Life is so interesting. You will be in my prayers as grief is the worse. I enjoyed your post very much.
I remember my Mom telling me to collect memories not things. Thank you for this reminders Joleisa! Love love your writings!
Hope you and beloved family will be blessed with happiness, and pray for your beloved departed soul of your son too..
Losing a loved one can be one of the hardest things to ever happen. I lost my aunt two years ago and it still gets me.
I’m sitting here holding my sleeping baby sobbing. I’m so sorry for your loss, I know this will help so many people dealing with grief. Thank you for sharing!
Oh Jess
We can only do our best for our children. Treasure all the moments. Thanks for your comment.
So a Powerful Post. This is great! I like this.